The Way I Think Is Beautiful

Words are not my native language. My brain is wired with colors, sounds, textures, and indescribable sensations that know no verbal equivalent. As a result, I often feel like what I have to say gets lost and confused when it is put to words. Additionally, I have no equivalent of an allistic (non-autistic) brain—a brain that runs on words and phrases and sentences and verbal thoughts—and something is lost when it is communicated to me in words. Paragraphs and sentences become words when they are cut apart, and I may not absorb everything that words have to offer. But when meaning goes one way or the other, something is lost in translation.

My synaesthetic brain assigns colors, personalities, and other sensations to individual words. Monday is green and youthful and soft and masculine; it reminds me of snowflakes and mint and the smell of pine sap. The months of the year, numbers, letters of the alphabet, and every individual word has its corresponding sensory elements in my brain. I believe this color-coding has enabled me to not only use language, but to develop a passion for it.

Even if I am not always able to express my thoughts and feelings verbally, I still have a unique experience of language, and have even managed to go so far as to create my own fully functional languages based on the sensory color-coding of my brain. To me, language feels like swimming through waves of colorful light, sensing my way toward the constant ambiguity of words. I wish I could better express what the mental experience is like for me as others have expressed curiosity about it, but no natural or invented language can transfer pure thought from one mind to another. Thus I’ll be waiting until all of humanity forms a hive mind, and at that point telepathy can allow us all to experience how one another thinks!

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One thought on “The Way I Think Is Beautiful

  1. through my autistic eyes

    i’ve always had problems with words, especially as a child. i’d freeze in the middle of a conversation and stare into space because i couldnt translate the images in my brain into words. we aspies are visual thinkers, and that’s why many of us are artists. (not this aspie girl, though. cant draw to save my life).
    it gets frustrating when i have an important thing i really want to share, my unique point of view, and i run out of words.

    Reply

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